On the (occasionally) bitter reality

I was a bit down yesterday, and I crossed path with these 3 wonderful female friends of mine, who were also a bit down and frustrated, but for other (very valid) reasons, and that just made it worse. And although I felt better later on, the state of mind I was in meant that I could not help but to constantly rehash in my head, the words I wrote in this piece - Bitter Reality Check - for the Earlham Word, 3 years ago. I wrote out of anger and dissilusionment... and bitterness. Bitterness at some people's attitudes, and particularly their - some of my... friends' - attitude towards me. With the way some have been acting now, I am compelled to share it with you again.

Bitter Reality Check
It hurts when you finally realize
That for part of your life you've been living a lie
That ugly call to reality
That painful flashback to sanity
When in a few instants of clarity

The true nature of humans is revealed
And the images that repetitiveness and habit
Had settled as truth in your mind
Suddenly fade away

It hurts when you finally realize
The vanity of the people that share your life
The perfidy of their attitudes,
The muffled annoyance when they must listen to you

When in a few instants of clarity
The depth of their duplicity is finally revealed
And you realize that what you mistook for friendship, love,
Was simply pity and mockery for your sorry ass
Humans are funny that way

It hurts when you finally realize
That "irrelevant personal attributes" (so they say)
Such as looks, weight, money, "coolness"...even skin color
Viciously become primary issues of judgment

When in a few instants of clarity
You realize that you are simply tolerated
Like a necessary evil that might be useful in the future
Like the ugly duck that one keeps around out of pity
Eureka! For you, they will never go out of their way

It hurts even more when you realize
The efforts that, for their care and attention, you candidly made
Psychologically, physically, emotionally
And the soft abuse that, for their love and affection, you quietly endured

When in a few instants of clarity
You realize in their true spoiled nature
The only efforts they made were to fake sincerity
The only feelings they had for you were disgust, pity, mockery... hate?
They had ulterior motives all the way

When in a few instants of clarity
You realize that you have been a fooled fool...
A useful pawn whose presence, a necessary burden
Provided entertainment, a friendly domestic laughing stock
"He is such a loser, but he's funny in a way!"

When in a few instants of clarity
You realize the people you went out of your way
To show love, affection, friendship, care, and extend your help
Will not move a finger for your sorry ass
Or... maybe on your deathbed... and even then

When in a flash of clarity, you sadly realize that
Almost every happy memory you have with them
Almost every true moment of friendship and care
Almost everything good you share with them

You had to take the initiative, or
You desperately imposed your presence, or
You offered something they could not do without, or...
In short, it was all you, man!

Then you realize how much of a fool you have been
How much of a pawn you have been
How well people and their world have played you
How many illusions you have lived surrounded by
How many hints of reality you let pass you by

And slowly, but surely
In a slow motion chain reaction
Doubts, worries, perpetual paranoia
Begin to fill your heart, mind and soul

And slowly, but surely
The evils of this world shine on you
And you finally understand, in pain
That the world you tried to build around you
Was nothing but candid illusions...

And slowly, but surely, in your mind
Life loses all taste; love loses all meaning
Friendship is but a myth, ideals but utopias
And then: Bam! Bam! Bam!

In deafening bitterness, In horrifying honesty
A voice hammers these words:
"Welcome to reality!"And it hurts... but it's relieving
Ah, the sad beauty of truth